The Least Racist Person On Earth, Donald Trump

Okay, so here’s the deal.  While I have despised that orange bastard from way before he campaigned for the presidency, I’ve not subscribed to a lot of the goofy-ass conspiracy theories espoused by the far left.  They can be just as idiotic as the far right, but are marginally more accomplished at pretending to be normal.  Also, they listen to better music and have tastier food and drinks.  

I don’t know and don’t care if Lord Mango had Russian sex workers urinate on him, or on a bed, or on a photo of Hillary Clinton or on little Captain Kangaroo figurines.  Don’t know, don’t care.  Show me the videos and I’ll have an opinion, maybe.   Nor do I much give a damn if his relationship with Melanoma is abusive or bad or good or if she pees on him.  Do.  Not.  Care. 

I care that he is capable of running the country without turning it all into smoking, molten ruins, and without making us all look like drooling idiots.    

Yesterday’s news conference, in which he introduced us to Alex Acosta, his new pick for Labor Secretary (the other one wasn’t about to be confirmed – thanks, Oprah) who was barely mentioned and was not even present, highlighted the blindingly obvious fact that Donald Trump is bat-shit, weapons-grade, fucked up beyond all recognition insane.  Something is very wrong with the man, and I don’t mean the ferret on his head or his mango skin hue or his goddamned necktie, which is always about 8 feet too long.  His language is a reflection of his thought process, which is true of all humans who are not damaged in some way, and his language is a mess.  My 15 year old has more coherent thoughts.  All the time.  I have decorative house plants that could have done a better job at the “It’s not a ban” travel ban rollout.  So let’s look at the more interesting bits from just this one news conference, shall we?

Right off the bat, after barely mentioning his pick for Labor, he says, “I don't think there's ever been a president elected who in this short period of time has done what we've done.”   Quite so.  Three weeks in, barely, and the White House is in chaos mode and he’s had to fire his National Security Adviser, Mike Flynn.  The former general Flynn has now been fired by two presidents.  That might be a record of some kind.  In any case, we can argue about the details, but that was possibly the most truthful thing to fall out of his lying pie-hole all day.  Nope, no one has ever done what you’ve done so far.  Agreed.

Then he launches into one of his main and favorite themes.  “The press has become so dishonest that if we don't talk about it, we are doing a tremendous disservice to the American people. Tremendous disservice. We have to talk about it. We have to find out what's going on because the press, honestly, is out of control. The level of dishonesty is out of control.”   He likes to repeat things like ‘tremendous disservice’ to make sure you know it’s important, but he also begins to sound like a half-witted, pompous high school principal from north Mississippi.  It’s terrible.  Really terrible.  So terrible.  And he’s rude and insulting.  He staggers about in a room full of reporters and calls them liars.  “Sit down”, he tells one.  “I know who you are”, he sneers at another.  Were he an actual man, he might have asked Jim Acosta from CNN to step outside.  But he’s a chickenshit 8^th grade level verbal bully.  His hands are too small, I’d guess, to form workable fists.  So he uses his position to sneer and insult and bully.  Very presidential, eh?

Russia, unsurprisingly, came up.  There’s a Russian intelligence collector ship off the east coast, and for reasons I don’t understand, the press has painted it as some new, dangerous, exciting THING that must be breathlessly analyzed.  Um, I spent just over two decades in the Navy, and I can tell you that this happens all the damned time.  We do it, too.  Everyone does it.  This is neither new nor especially exciting, but okay, the news networks have to sell soap and cheap razors and feminine hygiene products and we all get that.  Trump says, about this garbage scow, “Hey, the greatest thing I could do is shoot that ship that's 30 miles offshore right out of the water. Everyone in this country is going to say, oh, it's so great. That's not great. That's not great. I would love to be able to get along with Russia.”

I’m not quite sure what his reasoning was there.  Perhaps that we citizens would enjoy a shooting war with Russia?  That we’d then see how manly and shit he really is?  “Oh my goodness”, we’d exclaim, and then spend the next few years talking about how HUGE his penis must be.  Except we’d all be dead and the Russians would all be dead and maybe everyone on earth would be dead, too, and the rats would probably rush in to fill a new ecological niche.  Then he follows this blowhard manly stuff with how he’d simply love to continue to fellate his idol, Vladimir Putin.  Does he know we can hear him?  Sometimes I wonder.

Russia puts that ship off the east coast and moves some missiles around and is probably doing other sketchy shit that we don’t know about just yet, and:

Reporter: Is Putin testing you, do you believe, sir?
Trump: No, I don't think so.

He doesn’t think so.  This is The Great Negotiator?  He doesn’t think so?   Putin is an evil thug, but he ain’t dumb.  I’m afraid we got the dumb one.  He doesn’t think he’s being tested.  May the deity of your choice deliver us from this shitgibbon.   But he decides that we should try to get along with Russia, because, he says, “Nuclear holocaust would be like no other.”   I swear to god, I’m not making this up – that is what he said.  Like no other what?  No other holocaust?  Yes, I’d definitely choose a less holocaust-y holocaust if one is available.  Something less radioactive, please, and can I get potato salad instead of the house salad?  Anyway, he’s not going to tell us – we citizens – what sort of response he might have to a crisis because he doesn’t want ‘the bad people’ to find out.  “I’m not going to tell you”, he said.  This is very much like my 5^th grade elementary class. “Hey, David, does Theresa Wilson love me?”  David knows, but is not going to tell me.  Goddammit, David. 

He claimed the “travel ban” (NOT A BAN, DON’T CALL IT A BAN) was perfectly implemented.  It had to go into effect immediately or else “all these people will come in, the bad ones. You do agree there are bad people out there, right? Not everybody that's like you. You have some bad people out there. So Kelly said, you can't do that, and he was right. As soon as he said it, I said wow, never thought it of it. I said well how about one week, he said no good. You gotta do it immediately. Because if you do it immediately, they don't have time to come in.”

This is goofy.  There is no logic in this whatsoever.  We already vet people who come in.   Even before Trump tried rolling out the NOT A BAN, people didn’t just stroll through customs with bombs and missiles hanging off their Jihadist Utility Belts.  Conclusion:  Donald Trump thinks you’re as stupid as he is.  

A bit later, asked a question about the uptick in anti-Semite activity since his election, Trump first tells the reporter to “sit down” then claims to be “the least racist person” any of us have ever seen.  Gosh, I’ve seen some pretty not-racist people over the course of my life so far, but fuck it, Trump knows that he is less racist than any of those people.  I assume there have been surveys and mind-reading and who knows what.  I could pick apart the rest of his answer to the question, but later, asked by a black woman whether he plans to meet with the Black Caucus, he puts the lie to his “least racist” tap-dance by asking her, the reporter, does she know the Black Caucus?  Can she set up a meeting with them?   Yes, he wants a reporter to do this.  After all, she’s black, and so are the members of the, well, Black Caucus and don’t all black people know each other?  Nothing racist about that, is there?  I mean, I know all the white people in the world.  I’m white – how could I not?  So if you’d like a meeting with Justin Bieber or Sir David Attenborough or Angele Merkel or fucking Abraham Lincoln, I’m your huckleberry.  I guess all Pakistani people know each other, too.  And Indonesians.  Canadians, for sure.  I’m from Mississippi, so Elvis Presley was practically a member of my family.