The MRI Shoppe

 

Today, I had an MRI.   Because they were small, I went ahead and had two.

Anyway, yeah, two MRIs, neck and left shoulder.  Long story short, I can hardly use clippers on my right hand fingernails because my left hand is “tired”.  Sometimes, I can ignore it.  Other times, I can't open a goddamned bag of Doritos.

 Last year, I had serious pain in my left arm but a divorce and the attendant shit seemed to take priority and I gaffed off the appointments with everyone.  Also, my insurance was refusing to pay.  Thanks, Uncle Sam.  The pain dissipated but the goddamned arm and hand are still not working correctly.

Fuck getting old.

The MRI shop called me - just about a year and a half later - and told me insurance finally decided to pay for the procedure, so I said, “Why not.”  I said exactly that to the girl who called me.  “Why not.” 

She had no real answer to that.

Masked up, I arrive and am seen immediately.  This was a cruel hoax, though.  The gentleman who attended me was no bigger than a menhaden and had fewer English skills.  We were both wearing masks and this did not help any at all.  I hate that.  I’m cool with stiff accents and give me a few minutes and we’ll be talking quantum physics or telling jokes in Sanskrit, but the mask was more than a bit of an impediment.  I found myself scrutinizing his eyebrows for clues.  They’re up!  Is it a question?  Just say yes!  Wait, not a question?  Fuck.

As it turns out, he was super nice.   I think.  Actually, I have no idea what the fuck he was saying.  Never figured it out.   And he took FOREVER to get this shit done.  I’m not particularly weirded out by MRIs, but at the end of the neck session, I pushed the emergency soft testicle thing.  “Get me out”, I said, and I meant it.  He seemed to be rebuilding the machine as we toiled, like a mad scientist.  The second session, my shoulder, he told me – I think – that it would be a little bit longer in the tube.  I looked him in the eye.  “It won’t be longer than the first one, okay?  We’re not going to do that.”  

I think he understood the basic gist of my comment.  I don’t know if it was shorter or not because I feel asleep (think Rip Van Winkle).