What I Learned In The Military

1. Flying fish can and will make it onto the fantail of smaller ships such as frigates and certain destroyers. (Putting recently deceased flying fish in the pocket of a jacket belonging to junior personnel is considered acceptable, but should usually be avoided when dealing with anyone above the rank of E5.)

 

2. There is no such thing as magnetic bearing grease.

 

3. Intent is everything. The phrase, "When was the last time someone called you a flaming asshole" will not fly, even though you clearly did NOT call this person a flaming asshole. You were simply asking about the last time it may have happened.

 

4. Admirals will call you whatever they damned well please, and you will learn to smile when they do it. Junior people must be reminded that yes, the admiral did call me that and no, you are not an admiral.

 

5. Do not, for any reason whatsoever, bring large constricting snakes into a SCIF. Even if you're just going to pull ticks off of it. Just don't do it.

 

6. "For that to have happened, someone would have had to have seen it." My favorite quote from Monte Ezell, my work center supervisor, just after I'd punched a little asshat right in the mouth.

 

7. If you're going to use duct tape to affix a departing Marine to a litter normally used for wounded, do not place the litter in the parking lot after dark as the XO, who is not supposed to be there for hours, may lose his mind and come to work at 0400 and very nearly run over the Marine, and the XO will get very angry about it, even if most of you are laughing. Trust me.*

 

8. That thing is loaded.

 

9. If a lazy-ass girl gets a medical chit that states, "No vacuuming", it is probably not okay to tell her to sweep the carpet.

 

10.      Covering your tube of toothpaste in green duct tape does not make you more “tactical” and will only cause the combat-hardened Marines to hate you even more, especially if you refuse to shut up about your tactical toothpaste.

 

11.      Don’t bother telling the recently-arrived young lieutenant that his girlfriend is “known” to everyone on the team, because he’s dumb and he’s never had sex with another person before and he’s going to marry her eventually anyway, and then what will you say?

 

12.      If, during a large personnel inspection, a visiting general officer stops directly in front of you and says, “Don’t I know you?”, be very quiet and very still and go visit the happy place inside your head until he becomes bored or decides you are a moron.  Hey, it could work, you don’t know.

 

13.      Ambassadors make a lot more money than you do, but you should still comply when they bum all your cigarettes.  Definitely don’t bring up the financial disparity.

 

14.      If you see an old friend in a crowded elevator – and you are both engaged in covert business – the proper greeting is not, “Hey what are you doing here?”

 

15.      You will never be as cool as the guy who is returning fire in short bursts while at the same time yelling at you to hand him his coffee.  “Right there!  My coffee!  Yeah, toss it to me!”

 

16.      When referring to someone’s ‘rented’ date, no matter how appropriate it seems, it is best to avoid using the term “silverback”.  Further, screaming “Don’t look her straight in the eye” will probably result in hurt feelings.

 

17.      That is NOT popcorn.  They don’t even HAVE popcorn that far out in the jungle.

 

18.      Don’t put even LITTLE caimans in the communal shower. 

 

19.   If a Special Forces Colonel throws a big, heavy book directly at the head area of a Special Forces Master Sergeant, you need to get the hell out of there.   Even if you think they are your friends and are tempted to step between them and try to calm them down.  Run.  Get OUT.  NOW.

 

20.   If your team leader has a funny voice, don’t go around imitating him.  You just figured out why he’s such an asshole – plus, he will hit you.  You think he won’t, but he will.

 

 

 

21. Those cigarettes you had with you on the submarine? Throw them away as soon as you hit shore, or give them to a crewmember. They now taste like an old rooster's asshole.

 

22.  If your senior chief screams at you for having your hands in your pockets, and later in the day you see him doing the same thing, don't smirk and point at them. Yes, he can yell even louder.

 

23.  That new medal is worth about one day of play.

 

24.  A printout hanging by your desk counting down the days left until your contract is over, beginning with 1000 and every day closer has been meticulously crossed off, can end a lot of conversations before they begin.

 

25.  When someone complains about being tired, smack them. Everyone's tired.

 

26.  When an officer asks you if the captain has been informed of a certain matter, do not say, "No, Sir. And quite frankly, I think he's scared of me."

 

27.  Make friends with the skipper's personal cook. He can get you good cigars and near-beer, which if you drink really fast on an empty stomach can make you feel kind of oogy.

 

28.  Someone's going to steal your shit. Always.

 

29.  Having your wisdom teeth out can almost guarantee you'll be living like a pig in some godforsaken land 12 hours later.

 

30.  If you want to send out that little message that's going to wake up the President, you better be damn sure about it. Procrastinating because he might be getting his presidential bone on with that ugly FLOTUS back in zulu-5 will not help, will give you nightmares, and should never be said aloud. You are surrounded by professionals without humor.

 

31.  Always hotrack with my friend Marc. He always changes the sheets and pillowcase for you when he rolls out the rack. He even puts a little baby powder around for you. He does even not mind that you do none of these things for him.

 

32.  When you're bobbing around in the Persian Gulf, it's best not to mention how cold it is in the space where you work.

 

33.  Oil leaking out of that airplane engine is a good sign. It's when it's not is when you should be worried.  This is not true at all of helicopters.

 

34.  Call your mom. She knows what to say.

 

35.  Don't look at the food. Hand to mouth coordination and a letter from home is a ten-minute vacation.

 

36.  Always take as much music and as many books as you can carry.

 

37.  Never think you've gotten home until you walk in the door. Even then, be wary. Make yourself of no use to anyone except your local bartender until the jagoffs in charge of sending people to sea (but who never go themselves) have finally forgotten you haven't unpacked yet. Hell, they're probably a few barstools down from you. Buy 'em a beer.

 

38.  Years later after you're out and you're attending an old friend's retirement ceremony, and you see said jagoffs, unload the biggest ration of a shitstorm possible upon these assholes. Then buy 'em a beer.