I'm Annoyed - Aren't You?

 In the world in general, this is small taters.  I know that.  But this is my soapbox so I use it to complain about shit that bugs me personally.

For years now, in an act of protest against the Evil Robot Overlords (and Fuckerburger), I've used my naked butt as my profile photo.  The Robots tossed me into FB jail over and over for WORDS, fucking WORDS, so I was fed up.  I read their stupid-ass rules about what was and wasn't allowed and came upon the fact that buttocks were allowed as long as no orifices were involved.  I thought: "Aha."

And so my campaign began, much to the chagrin of my poor brother in law, Don, who it absolutely seemed to bother.  Sorry, Don.  And it worked.  I mean, it didn't change the slobbering stupidity of the Robots but no one in corporate seemed remotely interested in my ass.  I got creative with it.  Most people, I think, enjoyed my efforts.

Yesterday, for the first time in quite a while, I used one of my butt photos - all of which are still on my FB page in my photos - as a profile pic.  I forget if I was pissed off or just felt cheeky.  And within a minute or two, I was warned and my photo removed.  Bastards!  

Apparently, they've now banned buttocks except under very specific conditions (medical, I guess) because the Baby Jesus only know what sort of damage I could do to the general public with my butt.

I wonder how they would feel about the giant with an erection.  It's art, innit?  I bet they hate art.

 

 

 

What I Learned In The Military

1. Flying fish can and will make it onto the fantail of smaller ships such as frigates and certain destroyers. (Putting recently deceased flying fish in the pocket of a jacket belonging to junior personnel is considered acceptable, but should usually be avoided when dealing with anyone above the rank of E5.)

 

2. There is no such thing as magnetic bearing grease.

 

3. Intent is everything. The phrase, "When was the last time someone called you a flaming asshole" will not fly, even though you clearly did NOT call this person a flaming asshole. You were simply asking about the last time it may have happened.

 

4. Admirals will call you whatever they damned well please, and you will learn to smile when they do it. Junior people must be reminded that yes, the admiral did call me that and no, you are not an admiral.

 

5. Do not, for any reason whatsoever, bring large constricting snakes into a SCIF. Even if you're just going to pull ticks off of it. Just don't do it.

 

6. "For that to have happened, someone would have had to have seen it." My favorite quote from Monte Ezell, my work center supervisor, just after I'd punched a little asshat right in the mouth.

 

7. If you're going to use duct tape to affix a departing Marine to a litter normally used for wounded, do not place the litter in the parking lot after dark as the XO, who is not supposed to be there for hours, may lose his mind and come to work at 0400 and very nearly run over the Marine, and the XO will get very angry about it, even if most of you are laughing. Trust me.*

 

8. That thing is loaded.

 

9. If a lazy-ass girl gets a medical chit that states, "No vacuuming", it is probably not okay to tell her to sweep the carpet.

 

10.      Covering your tube of toothpaste in green duct tape does not make you more “tactical” and will only cause the combat-hardened Marines to hate you even more, especially if you refuse to shut up about your tactical toothpaste.

 

11.      Don’t bother telling the recently-arrived young lieutenant that his girlfriend is “known” to everyone on the team, because he’s dumb and he’s never had sex with another person before and he’s going to marry her eventually anyway, and then what will you say?

 

12.      If, during a large personnel inspection, a visiting general officer stops directly in front of you and says, “Don’t I know you?”, be very quiet and very still and go visit the happy place inside your head until he becomes bored or decides you are a moron.  Hey, it could work, you don’t know.

 

13.      Ambassadors make a lot more money than you do, but you should still comply when they bum all your cigarettes.  Definitely don’t bring up the financial disparity.

 

14.      If you see an old friend in a crowded elevator – and you are both engaged in covert business – the proper greeting is not, “Hey what are you doing here?”

 

15.      You will never be as cool as the guy who is returning fire in short bursts while at the same time yelling at you to hand him his coffee.  “Right there!  My coffee!  Yeah, toss it to me!”

 

16.      When referring to someone’s ‘rented’ date, no matter how appropriate it seems, it is best to avoid using the term “silverback”.  Further, screaming “Don’t look her straight in the eye” will probably result in hurt feelings.

 

17.      That is NOT popcorn.  They don’t even HAVE popcorn that far out in the jungle.

 

18.      Don’t put even LITTLE caimans in the communal shower. 

 

19.   If a Special Forces Colonel throws a big, heavy book directly at the head area of a Special Forces Master Sergeant, you need to get the hell out of there.   Even if you think they are your friends and are tempted to step between them and try to calm them down.  Run.  Get OUT.  NOW.

 

20.   If your team leader has a funny voice, don’t go around imitating him.  You just figured out why he’s such an asshole – plus, he will hit you.  You think he won’t, but he will.

 

 

 

21. Those cigarettes you had with you on the submarine? Throw them away as soon as you hit shore, or give them to a crewmember. They now taste like an old rooster's asshole.

 

22.  If your senior chief screams at you for having your hands in your pockets, and later in the day you see him doing the same thing, don't smirk and point at them. Yes, he can yell even louder.

 

23.  That new medal is worth about one day of play.

 

24.  A printout hanging by your desk counting down the days left until your contract is over, beginning with 1000 and every day closer has been meticulously crossed off, can end a lot of conversations before they begin.

 

25.  When someone complains about being tired, smack them. Everyone's tired.

 

26.  When an officer asks you if the captain has been informed of a certain matter, do not say, "No, Sir. And quite frankly, I think he's scared of me."

 

27.  Make friends with the skipper's personal cook. He can get you good cigars and near-beer, which if you drink really fast on an empty stomach can make you feel kind of oogy.

 

28.  Someone's going to steal your shit. Always.

 

29.  Having your wisdom teeth out can almost guarantee you'll be living like a pig in some godforsaken land 12 hours later.

 

30.  If you want to send out that little message that's going to wake up the President, you better be damn sure about it. Procrastinating because he might be getting his presidential bone on with that ugly FLOTUS back in zulu-5 will not help, will give you nightmares, and should never be said aloud. You are surrounded by professionals without humor.

 

31.  Always hotrack with my friend Marc. He always changes the sheets and pillowcase for you when he rolls out the rack. He even puts a little baby powder around for you. He does even not mind that you do none of these things for him.

 

32.  When you're bobbing around in the Persian Gulf, it's best not to mention how cold it is in the space where you work.

 

33.  Oil leaking out of that airplane engine is a good sign. It's when it's not is when you should be worried.  This is not true at all of helicopters.

 

34.  Call your mom. She knows what to say.

 

35.  Don't look at the food. Hand to mouth coordination and a letter from home is a ten-minute vacation.

 

36.  Always take as much music and as many books as you can carry.

 

37.  Never think you've gotten home until you walk in the door. Even then, be wary. Make yourself of no use to anyone except your local bartender until the jagoffs in charge of sending people to sea (but who never go themselves) have finally forgotten you haven't unpacked yet. Hell, they're probably a few barstools down from you. Buy 'em a beer.

 

38.  Years later after you're out and you're attending an old friend's retirement ceremony, and you see said jagoffs, unload the biggest ration of a shitstorm possible upon these assholes. Then buy 'em a beer.

Photos in Boxes: A Girl I Knew

 

She thought she wasn't 'pretty'.  I thought she was but needed to ditch the Disney top.  

And she did.  

And she was certainly pretty.

More Nudity In My Backyard

 

April 2022

 

 

 

I used to take photos all the time.  Nude photos of actual women.  It was way more fun than taking photos of myself.  But this is a challenge, too, to make my old, beat-up body look acceptable.  I'm never going to have chiseled abs or any of that, but I can do my best to take photos that don't make people vomit.  I think this is my goal now. 

Now Wait A Goddamned Minute: April 2022

 

I think it’s long past time that we talk about this. .

Putin invaded a neighbouring country that was mostly just sitting there, feeding the world and having some really hot government women.  (Who knew?)  Almost immediately, Russia started destroying schools, medical clinics, churches – and the homes and lives of regular people who had nothing to do with the Ukraine military.  Now we see them wiping out entire villages and medium-sized cities and suburbs – and torturing, raping, murdering human beings by the thousands.

This morning, I once again saw them targeting civilians with cluster bombs, which the rest of the world (mostly) recognizes as a war crime. 

How long does the world wait?  How many Ukrainians do we allow Russian troops to torture, kidnap, rape, murder before we really say, “Now wait just a goddamned minute.”

I think it’s time to say, “Now wait just a goddamned minute.”

Putin needs a win.  He’s been running things for 20-odd years and this is his big moment.  He’s long in the tooth for a dictator and is probably thinking how the rule of other dictators has ended.  Think Romania.  Best thing for him is to declare a war – whatever he wants to call it – and demonize the “others” and bring to bear one of the biggest military machines on earth. 

He wanted a quick win but Ukraine said, “Now wait just a goddamned minute.” 

Oh, we’ll bring suffering down upon the Russian people.  These sanctions are not a joke.  But you know what I think?  I think Putin doesn’t give a flying fuck at a rolling donut.  He’s riled up the populace, telling them that Ukraine is chock full o’ Nazis and he’s spouting that populist bullshit that Trump so adores.  Let’s get angry at someone and ignore our own troubles by pummeling their country back to the Paleozoic.  “I know the price of borscht has doubled, but we have to kill Nazis, don’t we?” 

 

And those sanctions are not going to really touch Putin.  And he is what matters here.  Putin is insulated and has plenty of reserves.  And he listens to nobody’s counsel.  He is an autocrat, a dictator, doing what dictators do.  Everyone says he respects only strength.  Sanctions?  What does he care?

 

What can we do?  Fuck if I know, but I have some ideas.  We go to the UN and tell them the train is leaving the station.  We’re using existing coalitions (NATO) and gathering non-NATO countries to commit to being with us or against us.  We use NATO forces, not just ours, and we move offensive weapons, big ones, into eastern Ukraine.  We declare a no-fly zone over all of Ukraine.  Yes, yes, we do.  And NATO fighters patrol and blow Russian jets out of the fucking sky if they violate the airspace.  We send trainers (this is what Special Forces do on a daily basis, trust me) to make sure the Ukrainians can efficiently operate the weapons.  We say, collectively, to Putin: “Now wait just a goddamned minute.”

The turd in the punchbowl is nuclear, of course.  I know that.  I also know it always has been and Putin isn’t insane by any measure.  He isn’t interested in blowing up the planet; he just wants to return to those thrilling days of yesteryear, when the Soviet Union held sway over much of eastern Europe.

 

A few people have asked me, “Why can’t we just take him out?”  I get the sentiment.  It would be party time in the West, but there are some things we need to consider.  In spite of our not-to-distant past, it is illegal to assassinate foreign leaders.  No one can issue that order and no one should attempt to follow that order.  You can bitch if you want to and I’ll have some level of agreement here, but this is a fact: we cannot and should not do it.  If such a fate befalls Putin, and we can all hope for it but not facilitate it, it will have to be from within.  And he is a ruthless bastard and that inner circle all want to avoid being poisoned – or summarily shot.  And this is what dictators do.

Remember a few years ago?  We had our own populist bastard to deal with.  Nowhere near as cunning as Putin and with fewer powers to make trouble, we still see a groundswell of support for him.   We hate to admit it, but it’s obvious that Trump still wields considerable sway among Republicans and the unwashed cousin-fuckers.  Putin has far more control over what his population understands and has used it smartly.  Putin’s popularity ratings are dazzling!  And those numbers are most likely accurate. No matter how we feel about it, he’s good at convincing his population that he is only doing it for them and, more importantly, he’s the only one that can do it. 

Remember this?  “I alone can fix it.” 

We should shun anyone narcissistic enough to make such a statement. 

But we need to do what we’re supposed to do.  When we confront a terrorist regime, the game changes.  This is not some pompous Latin American hothead, killing mostly his own people or invading some other banana republic.  This is a monster, invested in destroying a west-leaning democracy and rebuilding an empire in Europe.  We’re supposed to be the guys that stop the terror. 

Where’s our white horse?