The Anger of The Facebook Bots

A few months ago, the Facebook Bots found me.  I’d called some idiot Trumpanzee a sheep, followed with “What a nice little herd animal you are.”   This was a violation of community standards and led to a suspension of my ability to post new transgressions, show my balls, speak Finnish and/or gargle salt water.

This was not my only transgression.  Certain key words seem to trigger the Anger of The Bots and apparently I like using those words.  The Bots didn’t care, it seems, that I continually railed against Trump or Cruz or McCarthy, often calling them quite vile things.  “Cocksucker” and “lying cocksucker” made frequent appearances.   No reaction from the Bots. 

But “sheep” riled them up good.

Last night, my buddy Raines and I were having a spirited exchange about Sarah Silverman and which one of us would win her love with displays of macho violence.  When challenged, I told him we could meet at Mount Rushmore and fight to the death.  You guessed it: violation of community standards.  I had threatened to kill Raines, the Bots said. 

When this happens, the Bots tell you that you can challenge them.  This is a fucking lie.  My request to challenge their supremacy is always met with “cannot process this request” and I’m left with a seven day suspension.  No questions are allowed.  The Bots have made their decision and you, mere human, can fuck right off.

But don’t threaten to fuck sheep.  I bet that is against community standards, threatening innocent herd animals.

I have acquaintances who want Facebook to be nice.  Just post kittens, maybe, and photos of your kids or grandchildren.  Recipes (not involving sheep).   Motivational phrases.  Puppies.  But, they often say, please stop with the politics, religion, and any other thoughts that might be even slightly interesting or controversial.   This is not who I am, but it appears that they may be getting what they want.  Great.  Soon, we’ll be down to just photos of oatmeal and Thomas Kinkaid paintings.  

The problem is context.  The Bots don’t understand, for example, that Raines and I are friends, highly unlikely to ever meet in combat, and neither of us has an ice cube in hell’s chance of intimacy with Sarah Silverman.  We’re relatively smart humans and can be entertaining.  We’re certainly funnier than, say, Mark Zuckerberg. 

But then - mutilated baby ducks are funnier than Mark Zuckerberg, so maybe I’m overstating how entertaining Raines and I are. 

Anyway, this shit is getting old.  The platform must guard against white supremacists and Proud Boys and anyone commenting on the WLOX page, but it’s working its way toward milktoast.  It wants to be everything to everyone, like Seth Myers.  But the Bots don’t like strong, interesting opinions and a tendency to use Navy words.   That way lies madness.

I’ll be very glad when something comes along to replace Facebook.